Working to understand and then reduce and eliminate these seven
destroyers gives any love relationship a far better chance of
surviving. Keeping away from these behaviors can set free a love
relationship to grow strong and marvelous. I suggest you study it
closely and help your loved ones to do likewise.
T H E 7 D’s
1. Deficient Demonstrations of Love
The number one destroyer of love relationships is not demonstrating love enough.
This includes not demonstrating love frequently enough, effectively
enough, with enough vitality, with enough variety and just plain not
demonstrating love enough at love critical times. When love is not
sufficiently demonstrated or given, love relationships can and do
wither, loved ones can become love-malnourished and general relational
health often will quietly, subtly and dangerously diminish until it
dies. Furthermore, this destroyer sets up vulnerability to other
destroyer difficulties occurring which, at best, can lead to very
unsatisfying relationships and, at worst, can lead to the very painful
end of a love relationship.
2. Demeaning
Demeaning behaviors are those which work to lower a
person’s healthy self-love by devaluing, degrading and debasing their
personal worth. Demeaning has two major subcategories called (A)
Derisiveness and (B) Disdain. Demeaning behaviors are the number two
destroyers of love relationships. They often result in increasing
conflict, relational dissonance, aggressive and passive aggressive
retaliations, rebellion, and the demise of positive demonstrations of
love – thus, destroying the love relationship. They especially are
destructive when they occur via frequent displays of anger, expressions
of contempt and verbal aggressiveness.
(A) Derisive behaviors include criticism of all
types, shaming, blaming, mocking, ridiculing, scornfulness, belittling,
discounting, fault-finding, using putdowns, humiliation, condescension,
disparagement, castigation, being insulting, disapproving, impugning,
denouncing, repudiating, dis-affirming, degrading and making personal
attacks of any kind. Most of these destroyers are carried out verbally but also often accompanied by negative expressional communications including very negative facial expressions and highly negative tones of voice.
attacks of any kind. Most of these destroyers are carried out verbally but also often accompanied by negative expressional communications including very negative facial expressions and highly negative tones of voice.
(B) Disdainful behaviors include showing contempt,
disregard, disrespect, indifference, indignation, slighting, snubbing,
sneering, spurning, making slurs, discounting, treating as trivial,
insignificant, inferior or inadequate, being insolent, patronizing,
paternalistic, condescending, arrogant, rude, and being non-attentive to
another’s essence and efforts.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness starts by too easily feeling attacked,
blamed, controlled, manipulated, victimized and unfairly or unlovingly
dealt with usually when a loved one brings up a problem, dissatisfaction
or difficulty. Then dysfunctional reactions commonly begin which
include rationalized explanations, counter-proving, counterattacking,
becoming dogmatic and dictatorial, negative ‘mind reading’, denial,
‘yes-but-ing’, dodging, excuse making, rejecting responsibility and
co-responsibility, becoming threatened, and any other behavior which
‘defends’ the person feeling attacked. These behaviors, in effect,
avoid recognizing that a loved one has had difficulty, is experiencing
hurt and distress, wants caring love, can use help in catharsis and/or
examining a negative experience, and probably wants to be empathetically
treated. Being defensive avoids showing love during a possible critical incident when loving treatment (not to be confused with surrendering or false agreement) is most useful.
Healthy self-love usually is needed to allow a person to see that
giving love, instead of feeling attacked and getting defensive is a far
better response.
4. Distancing and Blocking
Distancing and blocking are two related phenomena
with the same end-result. Distancing refers to behaviors which cause
emotional distance between people in a relationship. It often results
in people feeling alone, unwanted, lonely, rejected and considerably
unloved. Blocking has to do with excluding someone previously included
or someone who hopes for or expects some type of inclusion behavior to
be shown to them. Experiencing distancing and blocking helps people
feel both rejected and devalued.
Perceiving being ‘tuned out’, having a ‘cold shoulder’ experience,
getting postponed or having a loved one ‘escape or run away’ and be
unavailable are common forms of blocking. Also Involved here are
actions which diminish or block a loved one from participation in
sharing, having meaningful interaction, feeling included, wanted,
desired and in partnership with the person practicing these destroyers
of love. Blocking also prohibits a person from working jointly on
relationship issues and inhibits emotional intercourse and intimacy in
love relating. The end result of both distancing and blocking is to
divide people in a love relationship from one another, either
temporarily or eventually permanently.
5. Dependency Enhancement
Anything that causes a person to become more
dependent on another and, thus, lessens their self-dependence can be
included here. When this occurs a person has less to offer the love
relationship and, therefore, the combined strength and teamwork of the
people in love relationship is diminished. Two subcategories of this
destroyer of love are:
(A) Dependency Submission which has to do with
actions allowing and assisting in one’s own subjugation and resulting in
destructive, emotional dependency in a relationship. Actions of
unnecessary sacrifice, giving in, surrendering, postponing one’s own
needs, self suppression, giving away one’s power, accepting low
self-worth descriptions and definitions, avoiding self-growth
challenges, accepting dictatorial authority, remaining undeveloped,
cooperating with demeaning treatment, becoming self-demeaning, escaping
into de-powering addictions, disallowing one’s own essential democratic
equality, dodging maturation and it’s incumbent strengthening, becoming
co-dependent, and letting one’s self be manipulated by guilt and shame
are included here. Not disclosing one’s own wants and needs, unrevealed
dissatisfactions, repeatedly avoiding conflict to ‘keep the peace’,
etc. and consciously or subconsciously being in denial of difficulty and
dysfunction eventually backfires into either a breakup or a breakdown.
(B) Dependency Subjugation has to do with actions
which attempt to make or enhance another person’s dependency and limit
their healthy self-dependency. Involved here are words and actions
which assist a person devalue themselves, feel and act less adequate,
confident or self-reliant, overprotection, promoting ‘learned
helplessness’, conveying to a loved one that they are weak, helpless,
fragile, delicate, incompetent, incapable, unable to improve or be
adequate are all common here. Enabling destructive addictions,
assisting someone avoid responsibility, doing for them when doing for
themselves would be more beneficial, needless rescuing, babying,
promoting the avoidance of challenge, hard tasks or opportunities are
all frequent in this subcategory. In the extreme, very degrading and
debasing behavior may occur. Generally anything that works to undermine
a person’s development of their own potentials or maturation fits into
this subcategory. Not to be included
in this category are doing favors, providing assistance, showing
kindness, giving surprising unexpected help, etc. unless those things
are done in such a way as they operate to undermine confidence
development, self-reliance and healthy self-love.
6. Deception
Lying, falsely representing oneself, hiding
significant aspects of one’s self or one’s actions, denial of important
truths, pretense, betrayal, hypocrisy, insincerity, duplicity,
fraudulent actions, providing dis-information, going back on one’s word,
deliberate misrepresentation, keeping secrets, presenting a false
image, deceptive manipulation, circumnavigating around truth,
non-disclosure of relevant material, cheating, and any other way that
prevents the truth of one’s actual self and life to accurately be known
is involved here. If an aspect of deception is involved real love has
difficulty reaching a person. ‘Receptional love’ is blocked when the
deceived person knows the love coming to them may be for a false persona
and, therefore, not for their real self. The deceived person often
vaguely senses something is wrong and feels at least somewhat unsure of
the love in the relationship. Upon discovering significant deception,
feelings of betrayal, abandonment, desertion, destabilization and not
really being loved become common. Even minor, discovered deceptions can
lead to growing mistrust, decreased cooperation, increased ‘checking up
on’, guardedness and excess anxiety all of which tends to erode a love
relationship.
7. Depredation
Depredation has to do actions which harm, decrease,
destroy, violate and lay waste to another person’s well-being, or which
extract from a loved one that which is or may be highly valuable and
important to them for selfish gain or advantage. While these acts are
less common in true love relationships
(they may be an indication that a relationship might be founded on
something other than love) they are among the most destructive of all
relational behaviors. Depredation behaviors include doing overt
physical harm to a loved one, destruction of possessions, attempts to
ruin a loved one’s other important relationships, wasting or plundering
another’s resources, invading, stalking, sabotaging a loved one’s
desired opportunities, goals and achievements, invading privacy,
destructively using another’s belongings, dissipating another’s assets,
theft , larceny, forced sexuality, and any other behavior which tends to
harm a supposedly loved one’s life especially for the perpetrator’s own
purposes. In pronounced situations this can include marked
psychological abuse, physical violence, rape, ransacking property,
looting possessions, harming another’s family or friends, markedly
interfering with another’s work, acting to physically hurt, over power,
control or imprison, maiming and even murder. In lesser, but still
important, situations depredation may include spying, spreading negative
rumors or propaganda, getting someone in trouble with the authorities,
and any act which misuses, spoils or wastes important aspects of
another’s life. Minor levels and sometimes beginning levels of
depredation can include smaller acts of revenge, purposeful infliction
of unwanted pain, acts which are destructively thoughtless, cruel and
punishing, acting spitefully, repeatedly wasting or misusing another’s
resources, and taking pleasure in treating a supposedly loved one in
selfish, harsh and malicious ways to their detriment. Depredation
behavior usually means that real and healthy love, on the part of one
doing these acts of depredation, is corrupted, weak or nonexistent.
Remember, that healthy, real and sufficient love tends to compel a
person toward acting in ways that promote the well-being of the loved
one and, therefore, avoids acts of depredation.
Knowledge is power and in this case power to protect you from the 7
D’s. Using this important knowledge can help you navigate around traps
that ruin many love relationships. Remember, one of the functions of
healthy, real love is protection. So, I suggest you study the 7 D’s
closely and then go forward better protected. Talking about the 7 D’s
with loved ones might double your protection and help you go on to much
safer and freer love.
As always – Go and Grow in Love
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