You guys have probably read the Soludo's Scathing Response To Okonjo Iweala,
so it’s probably not news to you that the former CBN Governor decided
to take the current Minister of Finance and Coordinating Minister of the
Economy to the cleaners on the state of the Nigerian economy.
Of course, Soludo – being the smart
economist that he is – made lots of intellectual arguments which will be
debated upon in the days – and maybe even weeks – to come. Like he said
in his piece, “I am glad that the debate has finally taken off.” We
expect it to continue.
However, the piece had some really funny
bits. Soludo is not exactly a comedian, but he dished out some lines
that got me really rolling. So I thought I’d examine the article, and
see 10 (funny) takeaways from it.
Ready? Let’s go:
1. From the very first paragraph, Soludo
sets the tone for what would arguably be the greatest comeback of all
time, if this were a rap battle.
He goes “…I have decided to re-enter the debate…”
Hahaha. Come on, prof! You’re sounding
like you were not waiting in the wings for NOI’s reply to your first
article, so you could finally go all out to war. That’s like Japan
saying they were “re-entering a war” with the US after the latter
responded to Japan’s bombing of Pearl Habor.
Nice try, Prof., but you started this war, at least in public space. Not that we’re complaining though.
2. The second paragraph contains the
most legendary response to any insult that I have seen in my entire
life! And the victim was our poor dear Femi Fani-Kayode!
Hear Soludo:
“Femi Fani-Kayode made me laugh, as usual”.
Brethren, I am still trying to pick my jaw from the floor!
For those of you who don’t know, Femi
Fani-Kayode’s wiki page describes him as a poet, lawyer, politician and
essayist. His name literally means “the beloved of the Lord”. He was
educated in the UK, and attended the prestigious Cambridge
University…blablabla. He has been married thrice, and has children from
said marriages. He was a former minister and once bought forms to run
for governor of Osun. He’s currently the media spokesperson for the GEJ
Presidential Campaign.
Yet, all Soludo thought FFK was worth is one line and seven words: “Femi Fani-Kayode made me laugh, as usual.”
And this is in a 6000-words piece o!
Brethren, I am weeping. Please get on your knees and pray that you will not become a laughing stock in your generation.
This is the kind of stuff that makes
people take a walk on the beach, in solitude; just to gain some
understanding and perspective, and to seek an answer to the age-old,
incredibly important question, as promulgated by the legendary Mohammed
Ali (I think): What, really, is this life?!
3. In the same paragraph, this is what Prof. Soludo said about Peter Obi: “Who else? Oh, Peter Obi. Well, since he can’t write…”
Please bear in mind that Peter Obi is
the immediate past governor of Anambra state and now the deputy DG of
the Goodluck Jonathan campaign. And Soludo basically addressed him as an
afterthought – “Who else?” and then, “Oh, Peter Obi” and then “Well,
since he can’t write…” He basically labels the guy an illiterate, and
describes his “exploits” in Anambra state as “third class performance”,
then to cap it all up he said “I won’t dignify him with a response
here.”
I’m just sitting at my table, wondering
what more he would have said, were he to actually dignify Peter Obi with
an answer. Brethren, this world is cold.
4. At this point, let’s get to the real
meat of the article. Soludo begins to respond, as it were, to NOI’s
response to his article by giving honor to whom honor is due. It is like
during a secondary school debate when the speaker says “all protocols
duly observed”, it is like in boxing when the referee says “you two,
shake hands before you begin to pummel the life out of each other”, it
is like the Aburi Accord of the Nigerian Civil War, it is like in rap
battles when one rappers says “You’re my brother, but…”, it is like in
martial arts when the fighters first bow to, before proceeding to kick
the hell out of, each other, etc., see, I could go on and on.
So here was Soludo’s own pre-boxing
greeting: “Since I have known her, out of deep respect, I have never
called her by her name: I call her Madam. I must state that I have great
pains seeing myself on the opposite side of the table with Madam, in
this way. I respect you, Madam, and will always do.”
You would think he was going to be nice. You would be wrong!
5. Soludo commented on the fact that
because of his criticisms against the government in the last piece, the
minister said he “become the worst” and ‘without character’, and
‘looking for position’…and then, (please pay attention to this), he
inserts a “(Lol!).”
I don’t know about you guys, but I have
personally never seen any Professor this cool! Dude knows what it means
to ‘Lol!’, right in the middle of a diss! I mean, be real; how many of
you guys know Professors who’d write an article – any article at all –
and find a way to insert a “Lol!”? I know I don’t know many.
6. In the next paragraph, he goes “In
part one of my planned three part series…”, or, in street lingo “I’m
only just getting warmed up! You ain’t seen nothing yet!” or, as aptly
put by my dude Reminisce “waa fee ku l’ale yi”.
Please note that this is the second
6,000 word article that the Prof. would bless us with on this matter,
and then you’d get the picture; let the house rat tell the bush rat,
this dude is armed and ready to go! Cross him at your own peril! The
Prof. was basically telling us “You think this is a game?! Look, this is
a “seasonal movie”, ee ni duro wo tan (you nor go see am finish)!”.
7. Three paragraphs down the line,
Professor Soludo explains that, while he’s going to go on an exercise in
which he’d be blowing his own trumpet, he is sorry as he didn’t mean to
have to do this, but he has been dragged into it. As a form of
humility, though, he was going to refrain from using the pronoun “I” as
much as possible, just so you people don’t think he is proud and
arrogant. Further down in the article, he uses “We” instead of “I”,
probably just to emphasise his humility and highlight that he worked
with a team; or maybe it was pride. Oh well…
I say again, brethren, we have not had a cooler Professor of Economics; not in the history of Nigeria!
8. Professor Soludo also made sure that
we knew about how he had in the past been commended by two sitting
presidents. He dropped the line and quoted copiously from letters where
Pres. Obasanjo and late president Yaradua were hailing him, and he did
it like he was trying to say “Eez really nuffin. I’ve been there, done
that.”
This is genius, really.
9. The Prof’s use of sarcasm is also
very interesting. Sir, no; we do not expect you to kill all your friends
operating in the economy, nor do we want you to stop being their
friend. We however would like that, if given another chance, you’d do
whatever it takes to be fair and objective in delivering on your brief;
that your friendship with the people you should be regulating doesn’t
come in the way of your duties.
10. Perhaps the only part of this
article that I find disappointing, is the part where the honorable Prof.
accuses Madam Okonjo-Iweala of dancing Atilogwu at TAN and PDP rallies.
I wonder what century he was writing this part from. Dear Prof. Soludo,
nobody dances Atilogwu anymore, at least not anyone cool; what we have
now are the “Alingo”, “Kukere”, “Skelewu” and more recently, the
“Shoki”. It would have sounded way better if you had accused her of
dancing “Shoki”. Although, imagining Madam NOI dancing Shoki at a rally
makes me want to laugh my butt off! I also wonder what part her headgear
would play in the “Shoki” dance. I would pay top dollar to see this
happen, anywhere, anytime.
For what it is worth, I don’t think it
would be difficult for her to pull off, especially seeing as Fashola,
Okorocha and a few other leaders aren’t really doing that badly. lol
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